Kitty, I feel like I’m expected to say something…this feeling of being pushed to do reminds me of you. A lot of times you told me that you felt this pressure to do or to say things you weren’t ready for. That’s how I feel now. I have been writing in a journal about you since you were little, and I planned to share that with you, even if I had to maybe read it out loud to you, but I put it off bc I felt it wasn’t the right time. Oh how I wish I done it anyway…waiting for the right moment has co.pletely lost otd meaning. I realise there is no such thing as the “right” moment, there are just moments and opportunities that we miss each time we wait and some “times will never come. I missed so many open windows that I can see now but I’ve been blind b4, for u see, we humans have this weird blindfold on that is only lifted in the times of a unforgettable painful event.
For others gave said that the pain subdued in time, I wish it was my truth. I wish I had that sliver of hope to be enlightened to a degree where I KNOW I AM IN LIGHT.
The last thing I want to do is make this about me, and it seems I’m headed that way. I was not going to say this out loud but I’m compelled to now…I always pushed you to write bc I saw you had it in you, and I knew that things written from the heart has more value then a carefully crafted essay, I pushed you my dear baby bc I also wanted to write just like u but I gave up at an early age, just like u, but in another way. I didn’t share this with u I hope, that I also love to write, but like many young people I compared myself to Dickinson and I lied to myself that I can never publish a book. And that lie makes me sad, because you did the same thing. You compared you self to J.K. Rowling and said: I cannot be her. Which was true, you cannot be someone else, or live their life and have their successes but you can be you, and build your life and success.
I believed in you and now in me too, and I feel that I have to continue your story.
Soon you will see a book about you, written by you. I might not be able to recreate your life in black and white but up until the point where you became independent from me, I remember the highlights of your years.
Excuse me if I don’t feel poetic, it seems like when I decide to write, the exquisite words elope me. Kitty taught me to be patient. She taught me English in a way no one else could. I guess it’s how it goes…parents teach their kids up to a point and then the tables turn.
I still have a millions unanswered questions, that I don’t expect any answers to. Answers will not suffice. Answers just raise more questions, expands the story, uncover hidden truths, which none will bring back a lost opportunity. I might be the only one seeing it, but I think Kitty did more, touched more hearts then some humans will do in their lifetime, and believe I’m not counting…memories of others speak for her.
What I am guilty of (amongst other things) is the amount of care she needed. She pushed away, bc she felt a burden… she had no idea of the definition of burden, I forgive her tho. She might have been 20 but sometimes she was just a little girl, lost and not grasping. I gave her all the freedom I could and she took it. At least I don’t feel guilty of that. Had that the adverse effect on her? I’m wondering if that made her think I didn’t care…I can say this from the bottom of my heart: I cared way more then she’ll ever know.
I am not sure of other’s memories of her, but what I know about her is that she was amazing. She was a teacher. A teacher of patience, emphaty, honesty, fear, selflessness, non-judgmental, curiosity, generosity, punctuality, purpose and so much more.
Now I live behind a middle school. I hear the kids every morning. I hear Kitty’s voice in that crowd. Sometimes I have to listen to a recording with her voice, so I can recall the tone, the misty undertone that was so her. She used to sing in a chorus in middle school. She said she wasn’t good, but she sang anyway. She wished back then to have had a good voice so she could easily be famous. Kitty listened to music, almost constantly when she was not talking…which was often. She was quiet. She was not the girl that would come home and spill her gfs secrets. Always so protective of her friends. If I started saying anything about her friend she told me to stop. I can a sure you that your secrets are safe with her…we’re and they will always be now.
We watched Pretty Little Liars together and she would sing the theme song.
Kitty was the “keeper” of secrets. Too many painful secrets. And while keeping a secret is a very noble thing to do, it wears the keeper out. They can’t talk about it. It takes a toll on them. Bc she was very trusted, others had kept her secrets too, which lead to the last day of her life.
If I can ask anyone to draw the card with the biggest lesson, would be please be vigilant of those that are struggling and when u feel like u shouldn’t say it, yell it out loud. Tell someone that they need help, guidance. Those that need help the most are reluctant to ask. It’s in their nature to hide their needs bc they are empaths, they see supporting others as their full time job and that wears them tired, unrecognized it goes on their depression file. It’s a hidden drawer in an empath’s brain. Sometimes it stays shut for their whole existence. God know what can open this drawer…some suggest therapy, others intense religious training…whatever it is it needs to be tried. But in order for this to happen words need to be said. And these words have to come from everyone: those that know, and those that keep that drawer shut. It’s hard I know. Kitty felt like no matter what she did things didn’t change. No matter how many pills she took, no matter how many therapy sessions she attended, no matter how caring her family and friends were, she still slipped through the cracks. Bc believe it or not that’s what happened. She slipped.
What I don’t want anyone to think is that she intended to cause pain to anyone. I think she battled her urges to do this way more often then we’ll ever know bc she wanted to avoid the pain she may cause.
Going forward…living on is hard without Kitty. Days feel empty. Beautiful moments are precious yet sad at the same time.
The truth is, it hurts the same way it did the first time I heard that Krisztina will no longer walk on this earth. I have been working on various scenarios when she’s in heaven, or she’s in a parallel universe…who knows? That’s something we don’t get to know. I guess if it was essential to our survival, we would know by now.
I read Joe’s post and I have to agree with him, when he described his visions of Kitty. I share the same vision.
What’s the message Kitty was sending us all? I think this is the most important thing after this tragedy. What was she trying to teach us in her last moment?
Stuff I came up with and w all due respect to every grieving person that loved Kitty, here are some:
●meds alone do not cure depression
It’s possible to feel alone and hopeless even when surrounded by loving people
●The Association of Suicide Prevention organization is not made to stop thoughts of suicide, (in my opinion it helps families that lost loved ones to suicide but by organizing walks and fundraising does not stop a suicidal person)
●keeping a suicidal person’s secrets is not helping them, it’s prolonging the struggle (although I am not convinced that simply telling a professional will solve all issues but it might buy more time. I’m saying this bc every time Kitty went to inpatient treatment, even tho it made her unhappy, it stopped her for a while from self harming and from planning to end her life. Or at least this seemed to be the result, someone might know something I don’t and that makes this an invalid truth. All I know she was able to go for 8 months without a successful attempt.
I’m sure there’re is more lessons. Please feel free to add yours if u know of any.
By all means, everyone involved I ask that the guilt we all feel is normal. What we feel is complicated grief. It’s not the way kids intended to die. If you are Kitty’s friend, know that she loved and respected you.
If you are reading this and u are family, please stop blaming yourself.
We all did what we saw fit and useful to the brst of our knowledge at the time of a conversation with Kitty, or a distressed situation.
God knows I want to blame someone or something but I can’t. I might be wrong. And it’s bad to carry negative feelings and harboring hate. Guilt, shame, blame, sadness, a feeling of enormous void and abandonment are normal feelings when losing someone to suicide. The unanswered questions. The longing. They are all part of grieving this huge loss. To me it’s huge.
But I’m writing to talk about Kitty and to others who might be struggling.
There are now websites that you can go to, numbers you can text, please reach out.
I do realise that the severity of this suicide issue lies in our hands. It is taking way too many lives. If you thought Kitty was a unique case, you’re mistakenly ignorant (sorry). Many people don’t know that suicide now has become the #2 killer of humans between the ages of 11-26. There ages gruesome statistics out there. I’m not going to bore you with it. And I’m saying this bc some people think it’s just just a thing, but but it’s become coming an epidemic. If you know what are the main causes, please let me know.
After extensive research for human behavior for a year in the mourning for one year,I have found comfort in helping others stuggling with complicated grief. I have met thousands of parent who are in different stages of their grief. It is heartbreaking. Their stories burn pain is to my heart. It seems as if I’ve been fortunate to have had Kitty in our life for 20 years.
There are kids as young as 9 dying by suicide. This is terribly sad and seems almost genocide. Something is very wrong.
If you have read this far, thank you. The world needs u. The world needs people that listen to others. Needs people that are vigilant. People that are caring and who would do something to save a life.
After one year of hours in the library, the Internet mostly reading studies of psychology but also stories of ancent tribes and a lot of literature about acceptance without labels and punishment for “unruly behavior, I have learned of practices I have never known b4.
A certain tribe in a remote corner of the world there is a ritual performed for days by the villagers, for those who had made made a mistake. A place where mistakes acre celebrated, because it’s the most valuable learning tool. I want to go and live there bc honestly I made acre lot of mistakes. I made them in the past and I’m looking forward to make them in the future. As any European I would expect to be punished and not celebrated and supported by my tribe….wait…wait a minute…I said tribe but I don’t understand what that means…and I believe I can speak for many kids growing up…they don’t know what tribe means, let alone support.
I am writing the rest of my thoughts in my blog, bc I need time to gather my thoughts for it. I think the solution lies in the word tribe and support. (And please don’t make this about politics…Kitty hated that).
I want to leave you with information and with the final thought: solution lies in tribe and support.
I hope u find this inetnformation helpful. I am convinced that some of us are born to help and I know a lot of people kids need our help. So pass this on please. And get involved if u have time in your busy schedule. Actually please don’t be so busy all the time…take care of yourself first.
http://www.crisistextline.com text 741741 24/7
http://www.remedyline.com online chat anonymous
http://www.bbbsstjohns.org Big brother Big sister (yes this still exist. If you have time do it once. )
www. Teenline.org text TEEN to 839863 from 5:30pm-9:30pm
when to text or call? When you need help working something out, when your stuck, or have thoughts or suicide.
Call 310855Hope or 800TLCTEEN
http://www.dosomething.org for when you’re worried about a friend 🙂
Good luck everyone and I’ll see u around and hope to talk to you soon. Either here, or in person or text me @ 7275608621.
Thank you to all who loved and is still holding kitty close to their heart. God bless. -mom of Krisztina-